I was taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
When I was younger, a lot of my social life revolved around birthday parties. Then it was graduations followed by weddings and baby showers. Now I still go to a few weddings and showers as the next generations come along, but I seem to be attending a lot more funerals lately. If I stay healthy, I’m going to have to find some younger friends.
While visiting with his grandparents, Mike wanted to use their computer.
“What’s your password, Grandpa,” he said.
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento,” said Grandpa.
“Why is it so long!”
“Well, the instructions said it has to be at least eight characters and include at least one capital.”
While Mom and Dad were still living on their own, I got the bright idea that they needed a computer. I talked my boss into letting me have, for a small fee, a unit that was being shipped back to the home office. It was an older model, but it was fine for e-mail and surfing the Net. Mom had never used a computer and stayed at least three feet away from the mysterious machine at all times. Dad had used a computer quite successfully when he worked in our insurance agency years before, but by the time I presented him with his own computer, he had forgotten all of that. He eyed the various components and the tangle of wires with suspicion, and never quite got the hang of it again. After a few attempts at exchanging notes with his grandchildren, he went back to his crossword puzzles and the TV, and one more good idea became a dust collector.
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
“Did you see my client commit this burglary?” said the defense lawyer.
“Yes,” said Sam. “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
“Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes,” said Sam. “I saw him do it.”
“Sam, you’re 80 years old, and your eyesight is probably bad. How far can you see at night?”
“I can see the moon,” said Sam. “How far is that?”
In his prime, Dad was the champion of one-line comebacks, and so is my brother Jim. It must be something in the genes of the Robinson males, because the few things I remember about Granddaddy Robinson are some of his smart remarks. Unlike the old gentleman in the joke, Granddaddy couldn’t see the moon; he was blind from the effects of diabetes. But like everything else, he took it lightly. Every time the west Texas wind blew their old screen door open, he turned his unseeing eyes toward it and said, “Who’s there?” I giggled every time. Five year old girls are an easy audience. Five year old girls are also curious.
“Granddaddy, how blind are you? Can you see anything at all?”
“Why, honey, I’m so blind I can’t see the back of my neck.”
“Where would you like to sit?” he said.
“The front row, please.”
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman said.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she said indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he said.
Mom knew what she was saying when she gave this wise advice, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.”