I don’t know how many more of these posts I’ll be able to do. Lately when I search for “senior humor,” a lot of the links are to my past posts. I guess I’ve mined the available resources pretty well. If you have a new senior story that’s “G” rated and not too long, post it in the comments.
I found this first story in a Huffington Post article from September of last year. It’s from a collection of jokes by Geoff Tibbals called Unforgettable Senior Jokes.
Asked by a reporter how he had managed to live to the age of 100, and old man explained: “Well son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if ever we argued the loser should take a long walk to cool off. So I guess I’ve benefited from 79 years of fresh air.”
I don’t know what kind of agreement Mom and Dad had about arguments. If they had many, they kept them behind closed doors because I didn’t hear much arguing. On the other hand, Dad did a lot of work in the yard.
The rest of today’s stories are from a website called A Joke a Day.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.
“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.
“I had to slap his face three times!”
“You mean he got fresh?”
“No,” she answered. “I thought he was dead!”
Dad never had trouble falling asleep, and he had even less trouble as he got older. I don’t know if was because of all the medication he took or if he was just tired, but the minute he sat down, unless there was a plate of food in front of him, he nodded off. Mom really got irritated at him, and although I never saw her slap him, she often woke him up. I wondered why since even when he was awake they didn’t do much but sit in front of the TV, but maybe she was worried that he had nodded off permanently.
Three old couples were having tea one afternoon. They were chatting when one of the men decided to see if he could get a chuckle out of his wife.
“Pass the honey, Honey.”
He got a chuckle, so the second man decided to give it a try.
“Pass the sugar, Sugar.”
This got a bigger laugh, so the third man decided to join the fun. He wasn’t quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, but he waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and grinned.
“Pass the tea, Bag.”
Dad had a dry sense of humor, and was always “popping off” about one thing or another. Sometimes he was really funny, and sometimes he just made us groan and roll our eyes, but he never stuck his foot in his mouth like that poor guy.
A little old lady came home from shopping and found a robber in her kitchen. Scared and not knowing what to do, she raised her hand and quoted the Scripture.
“Acts 2:38,” she shouted at the top of her lungs.
The robber froze in his tracks, so she called the police. When the policeman arrived, he saw the robber standing perfectly still and asked what the lady had done.
“I just quoted some Scripture,” she said.
The policeman looked quizzically at the robber.
“Scripture, what Scripture?” said the terrified man. “She said she had an axe and two 38s.”
In case you’re wondering, this is what Acts 2:38 says:
And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.