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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Top Ten Uses for Extra Toilet Paper | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on March 17, 2017:

Empty ShelvesI don’t mean to make light of serious circumstances, but let’s face it, some of the situations that have arisen because of the Corona Virus are hilarious. The first time I saw a Facebook post that mentioned toilet paper, I thought it was a joke. However, a day or two later, Facebook and every other social media platform was flooded with stories, pictures, and jokes about empty shelves, hoarding, and panic at the possibility of being caught short of this bathroom necessity.

Two posts in particular fired my writer’s imagination. One was a narrative of a man who was in a Walmart about forty miles from his home. He noticed a stock of toilet paper, so he texted his wife to see what kind she usually bought. When he received his instructions, he bought six cases. Another post was a picture of two men in a checkout line. One was pushing a cart loaded with a stack of toilet paper higher than his head. The other one had a case of Corona beer. The caption was something about different coping mechanisms, and though the thought was funny, it wasn’t what caught my attention. I wondered if the first man had checked with his wife about the brand of tissue and, if not, what happened when he got home. (more…)

Things I’ve Learned at the Gym | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on March 3, 2020:

At the beginning of this year, I wrote a column about mine and David’s intention to begin working out at a local gym in the hope of living what’s left of our golden years in better health. In keeping with my usual serious tone, I pursued the vital question of what to wear when I worked out. I received quite a bit of input from fitness fashionistas, but I ended up going with what I had, at least in the beginning.

HokasAfter a few weeks of faithful gym visits, along with David’s interest in the new running shoes of some friends, we went shoe shopping and rewarded ourselves with fancy new shoes that feel really good on our old feet. The next week we added new sweat pants, so now we’re somewhat color coordinated. My outfit of choice is gray shoes with salmon/pink highlights and white soles, gray pants with a white stripe, and a large pink T-shirt that hits me about mid-thigh. It’s not high fashion, but everything is comfortable – and the place we go isn’t the kind of place where people go to be seen, at least not at the time we go. I have, however, seen a few interesting people and learned some things about fitness enthusiasts. (more…)

The Call of the Wild | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on February 25, 2020:

cowardly lionFirst, let me say this column is not about the Jack London novel or the new Harrison Ford movie. It’s sort of about a dog, but it mostly about me being a fraidy-cat.

This week David and I are visiting with Spike, our occasional canine son, while his people visit the Holy Land. Their flight was a late one, so the plan was for Spike to have his supper before they left and stay in the house until we arrived after Home Group was over. Then, we’d walk him one more time before bedtime.

It was a good plan, but the problem was that David didn’t feel well, so he didn’t go to Home Group. That meant I had to go back home to pick him up before heading out to the ranch. These things always take longer than expected, and it was late and very dark when we arrived – and the coyotes were out. (more…)

Predicting the weather | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on February 4, 2020:

Think spring: Sign up for a community gardenPunxsutawney Phil didn’t see his shadow this morning (Sunday), and that’s supposed to mean an early Spring. I guess he was right. It’s 79 and sunny in our part of the world this beautiful Groundhog’s Day. The boy next door is playing on his trampoline in shorts and no shirt, and the neighbors on the hill are having a great time racing each other around the circle on their four wheelers. And seven deer wandered across our back yard throughout the afternoon. I’m not sure what kind of goodies they were finding under the carpet of fallen leaves that escaped mulching when the lawn mower threw a crucial bolt, but they seemed to think whatever they were finding was quite tasty. I’m just glad they didn’t find the lone daffodil that is blooming in the front yard. (more…)

What do I wear? by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on January 21, 2020:

Medicare open enrollmentEvery year between October 15 and December 7, Medicare open enrollment rolls around. That’s the period when people who have Medicare coverage can reevaluate and/or change their plans. David has coverage through the VA, so when the helpful reminders from every insurance company known to man begin to arrive in the mail, they end up in my to-do paperwork. I’ve been pretty happy with my carriers, so I usually ignore the pile until the deadline has past and then file it in what Dad used to call File 13.

This year was different, though. My supplement, the plan that covers co-pays and other things Medicare doesn’t pay, went up a few dollars as it does every year due to my advancing age. But my prescription drug coverage that had doubled in the seven years since I became eligible had doubled again in just one year. It was time to do some insurance shopping. (more…)

Welcome 2020! by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on January 6, 2020:

Happy-New-Year-2020-768x535Happy 2020 – a new year, a leap year, and the beginning of a new decade. One hundred years ago marked the beginning of the Roaring Twenties, a decade of economic growth and widespread prosperity, driven by postwar spending, a construction boom, and the rapid growth of consumer goods. The few forecasters I saw didn’t really commit on whether the 20’s will roar this time around, but apparently advertisers are jumping on the band wagon. One article showed a dozen or so Art Deco logos touting the Roaring 2020’s in upcoming ad campaigns. It remains to be seen whether the next ten years roar or whimper.

Chinese New Year is on January 25 and will begin the Year of the Rat. That sounds ratherHappy Chinese New Year Rat unpleasant if not downright disgusting to those of us with a Western mindset, but the Chinese characterize this zodiac animal as having spirit, wit, alertness, delicacy, flexibility, and vitality. Nice traits but not ones that seem likely to produce much of a roar. On the other hand, there was quite an uproar (pun intended) in the 1950s when Leonard Wibberley wrote a novel called A Mouse that Roared. (more…)

Cat hair? Don’t care! by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on November 26,2019.

Pet hairSunday morning while I was drying my hair, David came into the bathroom with Kitty trailing not far behind. They were carrying on an animated conversation – at least he was. She wore her usual bored expression.

“Kitty, have you looked at the carpet? Why do you leave clumps of hair all over the place?” he asked.

She must have known it was a rhetorical question, because she yawned and lay down on the bedroom carpet where I’m sure she deposited more hair. If she had answered, she would probably have said something like, “Cat hair? Don’t care!”

When we chose carpet for the house, we would have chosen a color other than light beige if we had known that we would one day own a black and white semi-long-haired cat. Of course, the white hair would have been just as obvious on a darker color. The same dilemma applies to clothing – the black hair shows on light-colored clothes and the white hair shows on dark things. The only solution for owners of black and white cats is to go naked, but that presents an entirely different set of problems.

I don’t really understand Kitty’s shedding cycle. When the weather was hot, I expected cat sheddingher to lose half her body weight through hair loss, but she just seemed to get furrier. Then, when it began to cool off, she began to leave clumps of hair like Hansel and Gretel’s bread crumbs. I went online to see what is “normal” when it comes to shedding, and this is what I found:

Cats who are allowed to go in and out or who live outside will shed seasonally. Indoor cats may also respond to the calendar, but typically they shed all year, although this may vary by breed. In general, it’s fair to say that cats shed some degree of “winter” coat in the spring and summer.

I’m grateful that she doesn’t shed all year, but I’m not surprised. It says the typical indoor cat sheds all year, and Kitty’s anything but typical. She’s just ornery.

Last week I posted a picture of Kitty on my Facebook page. One of my friends sent this reply along with a photo of her black and white cat:

Mrs. Linda, tell Kitty that Jinx would like to meet her.

Kitty on the afghanThis was my response:

I’m not sure how Kitty would feel about that. She’s not generally very sociable, but she might surprise me! On the other hand, she might be jealous of Jinx’ beautiful, smooth coat. Kitty sometimes looks shiny and pretty, but sometimes she looks like a hairball waiting to happen!

Obviously, my response was written. If Kitty heard me say something like that, I’d probably end up with a giant hairball on my pillow.

Blessings,

Linda

Kitty’s Story

Fallen Angel Salvage

Tatia’s Tattoo

Mom’s Long Goodbye

A Long and Winding Road

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