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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Kitty and the blanket war | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on January 15, 2019:

blanketOne of my favorite Christmas presents this year is a blanket or, more accurately, a throw. The love seat where I usually sit in the living room is in one of the colder spots in the house, and I always have an afghan or other cover within reach in case of a sudden chill. Kitty has a fondness for warm covers, but she generally prefers them to be neatly folded and on the end of the couch where David sits – until now, that is.

The new throw was given to me by Pastor Jason, my soon-to-be ex-boss, and his wife Stacy. They said I might need it to keep me warm while I spend my free time either reading or writing a book. It’s microfiber with a soft plush finish on one side and a woolly look on the other, and it’s very warm.

Kitty didn’t pay any attention to it at first, so I had it all to myself until one night last week. I couldn’t sleep, so I went into the living room to read. Kitty followed me and made the rounds of her usual roosting spots, looking out the windows into the darkened yard to be sure there were no intruders. Satisfied that her kingdom was safe, she came over to see what I was doing. She sniffed my book and rubbed her whiskers against the edges until she lost interest. Then, she discovered the blanket. (more…)

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Why I probably won’t lose weight in 2019 | Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on January 8, 2019:

january dietJanuary is the time when everyone goes on a diet – or at least talks about it. Even the grocery store ads focus on items that have “Lo” in the description. I have to admit that, as the calendar rolls over, I have thoughts of eating better and exercising more, but circumstances usually conspire to derail my plans before they’re even made. Here are just a few reasons why the scale probably won’t go down this year, at least in January.

  1. I still have brownies, chips, and a few other goodies left from the holidays, and I was raised not to waste food. After all, there are starving children all over the world!

 

  1. I visited the close-out sale at Emory Food Mart where I found Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla, a Mrs. Smith’s Peach Cobbler, and an Edward’s Key Lime Pie for half price. Bargain shopping is good for the budget – right?

 

  1. January’s schedule includes Volunteer Dessert Day every other Wednesday at the Senior Center, Home Group Dinner and Bible Study every Friday night, a fund-raiser lunch after church on January 20, and the annual family celebration of Aunt Fay’s birthday at AJ’s Fish House.

 

  1. One of my retirement projects is to organize recipes I have collected over the years and others that I inherited from Mom. I know that, in the process, I’ll come across recipes I want to make because I didn’t have time to try them when I was working and others I’ll make because I remember them fondly from my childhood.

 

  1. I was excited when the new Anytime Fitness opened in Emory, but then I discovered that my health insurance doesn’t have the Silver Sneakers benefit. I know I could buy a membership, but since I’ll soon be unemployed…

 

  1. You might ask why I don’t use the perfectly good treadmill a friend gave me a few years ago. Well, it’s wedged into a corner in the middle bedroom that we euphemistically called a storage room, and I’m claustrophobic.

 

  1. Some people also mention that we live on a circle that would be a perfect place to walk. True, but there are several dogs that roam loose in the neighborhood, and I don’t run fast enough to get away from them if they should decide to give chase.

 

  1. David and I plan to spend more time on the road when I’ve retired. Part of the fun of taking your kitchen with you is cooking – and eating – all your favorite dishes.

 

  1. I always get at least one pair of new jeans for Christmas. My new Lee Riders are a size larger than normal, and the extra comfort gives me a false sense of thinness.

 

  1. Instead of going to the gym or walking, I plan to edit two books and write another one. All that sitting at the computer will probably lead to a writer’s spread and another size larger on next year’s new jeans.

So there you have it. I once figured out that, between ages 20 and 60 I put on an averagescale of five pounds per decade. I managed to hold steady while I was in my 60s, but since I hit 70, I’ve been losing the battle. I know the most effective exercise when it comes to weight control is pushing away from the table, but that’s not much fun. If anyone out there has a miracle diet where you can eat the goodies, sit in your easy chair, and keep the pounds away, please let me know.

Blessings,

Linda

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Sometimes I hate my GPS by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on December 11, 2018:

road-atlas-category-imageThe invention of the GPS or Global Positioning system was a wonderful thing for those of us who are directionally impaired even when we have a map in front of us. The system was first used by the U.S. military, but it was released for civilian use in the 1980s. It’s accessible to anyone that has a GPS receiver, and now almost all smart phones and newer cars come with GPS receivers. Many of the younger generations have no idea what a Rand McNally Road Atlas is for or how to use a Mapsco, but they can put an address into a GPS with their eyes closed.

David has always been interested in electronics – always reading all the latest release GPSstories and consumer reports so he can make an informed decision when he decides to make a purchase. A GPS was on his Christmas list in 2007, shortly after we bought our motor home. He thought it would be invaluable for locating remote RV campgrounds and not-to-be-missed points of interest that are off the beaten path. The GPS lived up to his expectations – most of the time. It had its moments, though. (more…)

Kitty unchained | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on November 13, 2018:

Nuggie on a leashLast week I mentioned that I’m trying to train Kitty to wear a harness and walk on a leash. It’s not as far-fetched as it sounds. I have a cousin whose cat loves his leash – so much, in fact, that he will stand on her chest and give her a death stare when he wants to go for “walkies.” A couple of months ago I asked her if she thought it was possible to train Kitty at her advanced age. She said that with time and patience she thought it could definitely be done.

The next time we made a Walmart run, I chose an inexpensive harness in a pretty shade of blue. No bling, though. We’ll wait on that until after we see how she reacts. I hesitated a bit on the size. I knew a small wouldn’t work, but I was afraid a large would fall off. I finally settled on a medium, hoping she wasn’t bigger than fourteen inches around the chest, and I found a leash to match. All the way home, I wondered if I had wasted my ten dollars. (more…)

Kitty, where are you? | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on November 6, 2018:

Kitty welcome homeKitty had quite an adventure this week. It could have served as a learning experience, but whether her memory is long enough for it to make a difference remains to be seen.

When we come home, she usually meets us at the door. This is especially true if David is coming in – she recognizes the difference in the sound of our footsteps. I’m not sure if the welcome is because she misses us when we’re gone or if it’s because she thinks she might be able to sneak outside for a romp through the yard. Either way, it’s fun to see her cute little face when we open the door, and we miss her when she’s not there. (more…)

Free at last | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on October 2, 2018:

The boot

Dr. Graves gave me this hot, heavy boot.

This past Wednesday was the six-week anniversary of my shoulder surgery. Thursday at 9:45 am I had an appointment with my surgeon for a post-op checkup. Since he had said I would have to wear my sling for six weeks, and since my physical therapist said I was doing really well, I was sure Thursday would mean freedom for me.

However, as the time drew closer, I began to worry. Five years ago I broke my ankle, and the same doctor took care of my injury. It wasn’t the kind of break that required surgery, but I had to wear one of those plastic boots that looks like something that should have a ski attached to the bottom. It was very heavy and uncomfortable, and I counted the days until my two-month checkup, sure I would be healed enough to wear a regular shoe again. After looking at my x-rays, he breezed into the examining room with a big smile. (more…)

A Spike Update | by Linda Brendle

Published in the Rains County Leader on September 25, 2018:

City Girl Banner at BoothBesides sharing a booth with Tennille Case, another fun part of the Fair was visiting with those of you who stopped to tell me how much you enjoy reading my column each week. One gentleman specifically mentioned my Spike stories, so I thought it was time for an update. Conveniently, we’re staying with him this week, so I have news to share. Spike hasn’t been well the last several weeks, but he’s improving. In fact, he was feeling well enough to give me a hard time the first night we were here. (more…)

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